[TED} 취약하다는 것의 힘, 브레네 브라운

(전략)

I can tell you a lot  about shame but have to write everyone else this time.
But here's what  I can tell you that it boils down to.
and this is may be why the most important things I've ever learned and the decade of doing this research.


My one year turned into six years
Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews focus groups at one point people worsening the journal pages and sending their stories.
uh, Thousands of piece of data.


and six years and I kinda got a handle on it hike and understood this is what shame is this is how it works.
read a book
I published its theory
but something is not okay.

and what it was is that it by roughly took the people I interviewed and dividing them into people who really have a sense of worthiness that's what this comes down to person supporting us. They have a strong sense of what the love and belonging.
and folks who struggle for it folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.


It was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging, and the people who really struggle for it.
and that was the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging,
believed that there were the of love and belonging.
They believe their word.


To me, the hardest part was the one thing that keeps us out of connection as I fear that we're not worthy of connections.
was something that personally and professionally I felt like I needed to understand better.


So What I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw over the past where some people living that way, and just looked at those.

What do these people have in common and I have a slight  office supply addiction,
it's another talk.

I was like What am I gonna  call this research, in the first words that came to my mind
were wholehearted.

he's kind of wholehearted people living from the states and supporting us.

So here's What I found.

What they had in common was a sense of courage.
and when it separate courage and bravery for you a minute.

The courage, the original definition courage that when it first came is being
assigned which it's from a lot more cor and being heart.
and the original definition was to tell the story who you are with your wholehearted. 

These folks had very simply the courage to be imperfect.
They had the compassion to be kind of themselves first and into others because as it turns out
we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
and the last was they had connection and this was the hard part as result of authenticity.

They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be
and order to be who they were, which is you have to absolutely do that for connection.

the other things they had in common was this.

They fully embrace vulnerability.
They believed that what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful.

They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable nor did they really talk
about being excruciating as I've heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.

They just talked about it being necessary.
They talked about the willingness to say i love you first.
the willingness to do something whether no guarantees.
the willingness to breeze through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram.
who willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out
They thought this was fundamental.

I personally thought it was betrayal.
I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research
for your job you know the definition of research is control and predict
to study phenomenon for the explicit reason to control and predict

and now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer
that the way to live is vulnerability, and stop controlling and predicting.

This lead to a little break down.
which actually looks more like this.
my therapist called it spiritual awakening.


Spiritual awakening is sound better but I assure you it was a breakdown.




(중간에 심리상담사 찾는 건 생락)

It was a year long street fight.
It was slugfest.
Vulnerability pused and I pushed back.

I lost. am the fight back, probably won my life back.


So Then I went back into the research and for the next couple of years,
really try to understand what they the wholehearted, what they choices they were making and what are we dealing with our vulnerability.

Why do we struggle?


This is what I learned.

We numb vulnerability.

The problem is what i learned from this research,
that you cannot selectively numb emotions.

You can't say, here's bad stuff.
here's the vulnerability here's grief , here's fear, here's disappointment.
I don't wanna feel this.
I'm gonna have a couple of beers and a banana muffins.

I don't wanna feel this.

You can't numb those hard feelings without numb the other effects, emotions.
you cannot selectively numb.

WE numb gratitude, joy, happiness

and we are miserable.and we are looking for purpose of meaning and
we feel vulnerable and then we have a couple of beers and banana muffins.
It becomes a danger cycle.

One of the thing that we need to think about is
why  and how we numb.
and it doesn't have to be addition.

The other thing we do is we make everything uncertain to certain.

Religion has gone from our belief in fate and mystery to certainty
I'm right you're wrong, shut up.
That's it.
Just certain.

The more afraid we are the more vulnerable we are the more afraid we are.
This is  what politics looks like today.
There's no discourse, no conversation.

There's just a blame. you know how blame described in the research.
Await to discharge pain and discomfort.

We perfect if there's anyone who want their life to look like this.
it would be me.
but it doesn't work.
Because what we do is we take fat from our butt put in our cheeks.